“or maybe you’re just a person”

I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis this week, and this is what my therapist said to me as I wept about all the kinds of persons I am and all the kinds of persons I am not.

“I’m messy, forgetful and scattered, I’m inconsistently motivated and creative, I’m easily exhausted and burnt out, I’m emotionally unstable.

I’m not a tidy or organized person, I’m not a hard working person, maybe I’m not even an ambitious person or a person who will succeed and make an impact…”

“Natalie, maybe you’re just a person”

It hit me in the middle of my chest. I put so much pressure on myself to be a certain way, project a certain image, be vulnerable but in a controlled manner. To hide my ADHD mess and the fact that there’s things probably rotting in the back of my car, the late fees on my bills, the overspending and general chaos. I’ve done it since I was a kid, probably why it took me so long to get diagnosed.

Medication and therapy have helped immensely, but I still feel waves of grief. I remember when I got the official diagnosis this same therapist looked at me and kindly said “how does it feel to know you have a disability.” It stopped me in my tracks and there’s still days here it’s beyond frustrating and overwhelming.

But maybe I’m just a person and maybe that’s enough. Maybe being a person is inherently complicated. Doesn’t fit into neat little boxes or niches on social media. Maybe you and I both are so much more than a checklist of qualities, traits, diagnoses, quirks, hobbies, interests, etc.

And maybe that’s the most freeing thought yet…